Hey, I know, it has been a tick since the last joke pile. A funny thing happened. Actually, not such a funny thing. You know what isn't funny? When people in your life are hurting. If you've wondered where I've been, I have been off being a son. My dad broke his arm and is in a rehab hospital. There is no joke in it, but now I'm back and have some funny things to impart. I also want to say that the shocking death of Rob Reiner and his wife are on my mind, as well as the seemingly ceaseless violence that we human beings seem overly capable of performing. I believe that humor comes from making sense of the nonsensical. It is my job, therefore, to find the good in the bad and the bad in the good. Enough of the serious, onto the funny!
Groaners of the Season
A little boy is visiting his Jewish friend and witnessed the lighting of the Menorah. The little boy said to his friend, "Why do you say those funny words when you light that candlestick thingee?"
His Jewish friend said, "We are giving thanks for the miracle of light and life. You see, a bunch of years ago, when folks were out to get us, we only had enough oil to keep our temple lamp working for a day. But because of a miracle, our lamp worked for over a week!"
The other little boy said, "That's a cool story, but we had a miracle like that at our house, only in reverse."
The Jewish boy said, "Really, what happened?"
The other little boy said, "Well, we came home to a dark house and for days, we had no power.And suddenly one day, the lights came back on!"
The Jewish boy said, "Well, that does sound like a miracle!"
The other boy said, "Yeah, my mom finally could afford to pay the electricity bill."
Santa Claus was having a tough time working up any enthusiasm for Christmas. Mrs. Claus noticing this called the elves together for a staff meeting.
"Santa is a little out of sorts," she said, "I need your ideas of ways that we can help him recapture the Chriatmas spirit. Any ideas?"
Elf #1 said, "How about we throw a big surprise party? He'd never suspect it and I'm sure he'd get the spirit back."
Mrs. Claus said, "Hmm, that could work, but with Christmas coming tomorrow, we might not be able to pull it together so quickly. Any other ideas?"
Elf #2 said, "How about we call the North Pole therapist, and maybe by talking it out, Santa will feel better and get the Christmas spirit back?"
Mrs. Claus said, "Well, Santa isn't huge on talking about his feelings, so...Any other ideas?"
Elf #3 said, "I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe if we elves take Santa to the North Pole bar and loosen him up a little, he'll get the spirit back?"
Mrs. Claus says, "That does sound like a wonderful idea! He could use a night out!"
So the elves and Santa take the reindeer and go to the North Pole bar. And sure enough, after a long night of carousing, Santa and the elves stumbled back home just as the daybreaks on Christmas Eve. Sure enough, Santa has regained his Christmas spirit.
"So, you ready to bring presents to all the good little girls and boys?" Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
"Ho, ho, ho, yes, I am, Dear." Santa said. "Just one thing, though."
"What's that?" asked Mrs. Claus.
"I can't remember where I parked the reindeer!"
Holiday Season Things I Think I Thought
I think this is the time of year when people who like to decorate their trees kind of go ornamental.
I think that Joseph and Mary missed an opportunity when they didn't use HeirBnB to book a room at the Inn.
I think Santa Claus would save his back if he only delivered gift cards.
I think if your chestnuts are roasting, you might want to move back from the fireplace a little bit.
I think that dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh is a good way to catch pneumonia. It also begs the question: What happened to the other horse?
I think that you can't hold a candle to the holiday season, but you can hold a candle on a Menorah when lighting it.
I think it is impossible to know what to get others for the holidays, but equally impossible to know what you did with the receipts.
I think that if the three wise men were so wise, they'd have brought lots of Huggies with them for the baby Jesus.
I used to think advent was the loud complaining people did when they had sit through 5 minutes of commercials while streaming "It's a Wonderful Life!".
I think that people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, waiting until the day after Christmas to buy presents for at least 30% off!
Since Christians make up only 1/3 of the world's population, maybe Santa's annual journey is not as big a deal as we thought?
I think spinning the dreidel is a gelt-y pleasure.
I think is good that the Grinch never visited a Charlie Brown Christmas.
I think Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend must live in The Whoville.
I think decking the halls is a bunch of falalalala.
I think that Father Time wonders why he keeps getting older and Baby New Year keeps getting younger and younger.
Modern Holiday Story and Song Snippets
T'was the night before Christmas and through the Ring cam
I saw the UPS driver whose name I think is Sam.
Dropping off presents with relief on his face.
Too bad that he dropped them off to the wrong place.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
But thanks to a gift card from Sephora
It no longer glows.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
let nothing you dismay
Remember to recycle
This coming Boxing Day!
Channukah, Oh Channukah
Come light the Menorah
Let's hope my old man
Get's a new Ford Explorer!
I'll have a blue Chritmas without you
I'll be so blue dear, without you.
Declarations are read, under a green Christmas tree
You've got a restraining order
and the sheriff's coming after me!
You better watch out
You better not cry
You'd better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is in one of his moods!
I want a lot for Christmas
There's just some things I need
I want a lot of presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I want a golden Microphone
and a copy of "Home Alone"
Make my dreams come true
'Cause I also want for Christmas,
a pool!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Is as confusing a question as ee'r been posed
In all of human time!
Comments
Post a Comment