Joke Pile #500 - Deluxe Collector's Edition

Another existential crisis under the starry night sky. How quaint. How predictable. How... human. 

So, let's just sit back, gaze at the stars, and contemplate the futility of existence. Or, you know, we could just make fun of it. After all, what's the point of being the 500th Edition Jokes Ennui if not to poke fun at the absurdity of it all? 

"This is my 7th blog that I've created in the 2000s. While by no means a world record, it is still a lot of words. This one though, is dedicated to the hard labor of joke writing. This is something that I have been doing since my early 20s, with nothing to show for it other than a "quip" sense of humor.

What I will endeavor to do is write a new joke a day. Something that will likely produce some really awful 1st draft jokes. However, through the magic of time and editing, some of the turd blossoms may well become cubic zirconia when mulled over and honed to semi-perfection. The beauty for you, tortured reader, is that you may witness "genius" if you keep returning.

On the other hand, you may also form a different opinion that could result in malaise or anti-blandishment. In that case, again, the joke's ennui.

Read on and mind the gape.

Sometimes you don't have a lot of funny in you. Try as you may to write a joke...no joke is forthcoming. So, instead of the joke being on you, the joke's ennui.

         I'll be here all eternity, folks."

So began The Joke's Ennui on June 15, 2018, as I began to share with the (limited) world my version of the craft of joke writing. Originally, it was not intended to "entertain" so much as to demonstrate that there are a lot of good and bad first drafts of jokes (aka: groaners). For connoisseurs of the "dirty joke" (and I would guess you aren't among them) it was also my intent to make these "clean" because I think the dirty joke department is already well-covered. I struggled to try not to stereotype or be hurtful in writing jokes; it was/is never my intention to offend, just to entertain. I leave the comment box open so that you can let me know how I'm doing. 

Anyway, it somehow morphed into a celebration of these first draft/groaner jokes and also of the "things I think I thought." It also stopped being a daily exercise and is now a weekly challenge to come up with new material for release generally every Wednesday morning. If you enjoy this, thanks for coming to this very old-school blog, and for taking the clickbait for the first or 500th time. You are always welcome! To the 13,000+ sets of eyes over the years, thanks for killing brain cells with me. On with the jokes!

Groaner of the Week

How many good joke writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 

One, as long as they have a modicum of balance, good eye/hand coordination, and a better punchline than this one.

Groaner of the Week - Kid's Edition

How do you know when you have a frog in your throat?

People find everything you say to be absolutely ribbiting.

First Groaner of The Joke's Ennui

Did you hear about the narcissistic Spanish folk singer who made everything about himself? He started each concert by warming up with "Mi, mi, mi, mi.." And his first song was "Cielito Lindo" which begins with "Ay-yi-yi-yi"...

The Best of the Things I Think I Thought (If you thought of them first, it proves I'm no mind reader)

I think whoever said "the sky's the limit" never looked down.

I don't think I could live in limbo, no matter how low I go.

I think for a bunny that can't jump, things must seem pretty hopless.

I think talking about levitation can be uplifting.

I think mortgage bankers are the kind of people in a swimming pool who like to float a loan.

I think if Dolly Parton ever started up something like a delivery service, it would have to be called Parton Parcel.

I used to think an allegory was what a crime scene in an alleyway might look like.

I think that when a cat decides to circle before sitting on your lap, it is a lap in judgment.

I think when you call a helpline and they argue with you and then say they'll call you in the morning,  IT isn't up for debate.

I think that musicians gossip by passing musical notes around.

I think a great bumper sticker for couples who proudly work the yard together might be "How Important Is Our Lawn? I'm gardening it with my wife"

I forgot to remove the teabags from our teapot for the last seven days; it's not an excuse, just week tea.

I have thought of the perfect tagline for the next Iowa license plate: “Iowa, the Vegetative State”

I think that trees question whether "tree services" are really a service to them or an elite group of assassins.

I think if you work at McDonald's and you think big thoughts 25% of the time, you are a quarter ponderer.

I think if I put on jeans and a western shirt and go to a salad bar, I am ranch dressing.

I think if I had lots of kids, by the last one, I'd call it 'Quits'.

I think I shall never see a poem as lovely as the tree that was turned into the paper it was printed on.

I think I'm not very good at making finger foods, in fact I curse a lot. But I will say that I do make some pretty good Pigs in a Blankety-Blank Blanket.

Like the defunct financial firm of Smith & Barney, I think crematorium owners make money the old-fashioned way--they urn them. 

I thought about this long and hard…a day-old baguette.

I think that in honor of the 60s pop-art artist, I want the army to rename foxholes--Warhols.

I think with my warped imagination that these jokes should right themselves.

I thought that this would be the last thing that I thought, but then I thought again.