Deluxe Edition Joke Pile #493

 

Do jokes ever rest? No, but joke writers do, and let's just say travel has a way of bringing things into perspective.

Groaner of the Week

 My wife doesn't seem to understand things I say to her in my normal speaking voice. And, it never goes well if I raise my voice or yell at her.  So, I suggested that she might want to see an audiologist. She won't hear of it.

For the Youngsters Groaner of the Week

What did Ernie say when Bert offered him some sorbet?  Sure, Bert!

Travel Groaner of the Week

Definition of an airport: 

1. A place where terminal velocity is measured by whether the people-mover is operating or not.

2. A place to test out whether patience is a virtue.

3. A place to go when you absolutely need to be somewhere, but secretly hope your flight is cancelled.

4. A place to go to experience 1-star food for 5-star prices.

So Many Things I Think I Thought

I think I thought, "What did I do to deserve this family," but I suspect it was an inside job.

I think I thought, I'm flying Egregious Airlines, getting anywhere is a miracle.

I think if I lived on my wits, it would be a wittle hard.

I think even if you hurled that guy's brain at the problem, it wouldn't make a dent.

I think that a muse who can read is a literate.

I think contrails should be called sky skid marks. 

I think just when I have nothing more to give, the postal carrier brings me more requests for donations.

I think if a preacher discusses ugly people in his sermon, it is a homely homily.

I think the shooting pain in my foot was caused by shooting myself in the foot.

I think Caribbean chickens must get tired of being jerked around.

I think movies should be like a bra, uplifting.

I think history has been kind to Johnny Appleseed, less so to Martin Van Cherrypit.

I think there is a point when the laws of attraction have statutes of limitation.

I think when my peace is disturbed, it is more than an Idyll threat.

I think I have a trick knee; it makes standing disappear.

I think I'd like a t-shirt that reads, "You can Mesopotamia, but don't Babylon about it."

I think I never really know what makes another person laugh, but just in case, I keep my robe closed.

I think I got a message from beyond the grave, but it was cryptic.

I think my instincts are telling me I shouldn't trust them.

My first thoughts when Ohio legalized pot: "Oh, high OH!"

I think I have a phantom pain, it is in my attic and keeping me up at night.

Sometimes I think I'm hanging on by a thread that is connected to a noose.