Joke Pile #491

Groaner of the Week

Jed and Fred were out on the lake in Fred's shiny, new bass boat. Fred asked Jed, "Do you think I'm a good fisherman?" Jed didn't say a thing. Fred asks, "Well, do you like my new boat?" Jed still didn't say anything. Finally, Fred asks, "What about my technique? Do you like the way I cast?" 

All of a sudden, Jed reels in the biggest smallmouth bass either of them had ever seen. Fred was awed and asked Jed, "How'd you do that?" Jed smiled and said, "Well, while you were fishing for compliments, I was fishing for fish."

Too Soon?

Imagine Ozzy Osborne's surprise to see himself standing at the Pearly Gates. 

St. Peter said, "Ozzy, we've been waiting a long time to see you." 

Ozzy says, "I'm bloody well surprised to find meself here." 

St. Peter says, "Well, Ozzy there is someone here who has been looking forward to seeing you." 

Ozzy asks, "Is it me Mum?"

St. Peter says, "No, it is not your mother."

Ozzy asks, "Well, is it me Dad?"

St. Peter says, "No, I'm afraid it isn't your Dad."

Ozzy gasps, "It idn't Jesus, is it?"

St. Peter chuckles, "No, Ozzy, it isn't Jesus. But I'll give you a hint. It has wings."

Ozzy says, "Is it me guardian angel, then?"

St. Peter says, "No, but I think you'll recognize him immediately."

Out of the heavenly mist a headless bat appears and flaps around Ozzy and then whispers something to St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "Ozzy, he says he's been waiting a long time to bite you back. The down escalator is that way!"

                                                                                                  RIP Ozzy!

Things I Think I Thought

I think when financiers flock to low-cost vacation dormitory-styled housing, that is a hostel takeover.

I think shaving Parmesan from a cheese wheel is grated on a curve.

I think CBS will be happy with their May 2026 late-night lineup: the national anthem followed by a test pattern and static.

I think ignorance is like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Whatever you can't stuff inside, you can take home with you for later.

I think that the loo at A.A. Milne's house was probably referred to as "Pooh Corner."

I think life is a limited-time offer with an uncertain expiration date. 

I think if you find a book on the side of the road, it is appropriate to call it litter-ature.

I think it would be fun if English actor Benedict Cumberbatch made a line of men's formalwear accessories out of veggies; Imagine--Cumberbatch's cucumberbunds.

I think some things are s.o. esoteric.

I think when life gives you lamins, make laminate.

I think it would be interesting to know who administered the Hippocratic Oath to Hippocrates.

I think being put in one's place is great for utensils and babies.

I think using a jigsaw is puzzling.