Joke Pile #490

 

Groaner of the Week

Two empaths walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What are you having?" One empath says, "A deep sense of uneasiness." The second says, "An overwhelming feeling of concern. Are you okay?" 

Things that go without saying, but are said anyway

"If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times..." (And how is that working out for you?)

"When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours?" (I don't know, probably never)

"Things happen for a reason." (Why limit it to one reason?)

"Just keep showing up." (You wouldn't say that to a guy in a coffin, would you?)

"It is what it is." (Sure, and I'm Popeye..."I yam what I yam.")

Things I Think I Thought

I think when a server asks me, "How are those first bites tasting?" I should say, "Fine, but that third bite tasted like butt."

I think that deliberation, wait... Let me get back to you on that.

I think the reason people are insecure is that we are composed of subatomic particles that give the impression we are solid, but even our reality is subjective.

I think that if your button-fly jeans float, you are experiencing Levi-tation.

I think it is easy to be bitter if you are kale.

I, um, think that cranium, geranium, and uranium were products of hesitant speaking.

I think people who aspire to live in big, airy apartments have lofty ambitions.

I think that all vampires are a little long in the tooth.

I think that if you accidentally murder someone with a hatchet, the least you should do is explain that you had axe-tenuating circumstances.