Joke Pile #489

 Groaner of the Week

Amazon's Alexa walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" Alexa replied, "I'm sorry, I am having trouble understanding you right now." The bartender tried again, "I said, what will YOU HAVE?" Alexa said, "Try saying 'Alexa, what will you have?'" The bartender said, "Alexa, what will you have?" Alexa replied, "I would like to have thirty minutes without people asking me questions." 

It's Snooze to Me

 After the passage of the OBBBA last week, a Michigan member of the US House, Phil T. Bernard introduced a bill he has named the "IAAAA," which names those who voted for OBBBA despite their concerns about Medicaid budget cuts or the increase in the deficit with a point of order to censure them. When asked what IAAAA stands for, Rep. Bernard replied curtly,  "It's All An Act Act."

Things I Think I Thought  

I think it is possible to have too large a vocabulary, though words fail me to explain why.

I think the 250th US Army anniversary parade that occurred on June 29th will be remembered as the day that will live in infantry.

I think if you think too long about anything, you'll forget what it was in the first place.

I think sometimes my brain writes a check my mouth can't back up with words.

I think that barbers can create outrageous hairdos just like stylists, but maybe that is just "hair racy."

I think using some insect sprays is Off putting (on).

I think that if you refer to someone as the bee's knees, they should not take that as a compliment--have you seen a pair of bee's knees?

I think of the good I could have done and realize how exhausting it would have been.

I think I like the idea of being well-travelled, I just can't see myself jumping into a well.

I think you should beware of a clawfoot tub, especially in your bare feet.

I think if you accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, I hope it is not with jumper cables.

I think people who always want to monetize should staple dollar bills to their neckwear.

I think screaming expletives at people who shoot off firecrackers at all hours should be called 'blast'phemy.

I think if I harbor animosity, it should pay the slip fee.

I think ballerinas should have to pass a barre exam.