Joke Pile #485

 

Father's Day Groaner

I knew a guy whose Mom remarried so often that instead of giving all his Dads gifts, he gave them money; a dollar a pop.

It's True. I Swear!

So, I am at the grocery store, and a woman has opened a carton of eggs. She is taking the eggs out of the carton and inspecting each one of them really closely. She notices I'm staring at her and she says, "At these prices, you've got to protect your investment, right?"

Things I Think I Thought

I think some things are beyond my understanding, like quantum physics, differential calculus, and Love Island.

I think that homophobic people need to have more Pride.

I think I'm a little squeamish, because if I see something even a little bloody, I squeam!

I think of the lengths that I would go to and then convert them into yards.

I think it is dangerous to be behind me in traffic when I turn on the radio in my car. Every time I do, I brake into song.

I think that if handling munitions upsets your stomach, you might have a case of explosive diarrhea on the horizon.

I think, if you were in a toy store in Nigeria, seeing the Lego logo in Lagos would be ironic and very hard to say three times fast.

I think it is impossible to be alive today and not think "What if Dad didn't marry Mom?"

I think that you know the difference between right and wrong. I also think that wrong often feels so right!

I think if it takes a rocket scientist to understand it, it is probably rocket-related.

I think if someone else takes the moral high ground, then you know where you are standing and your feet are burning.

If you think for one minute that I think for one minute, then one of us is in a time warp.

I think that if you have been tossed from a club, you find yourself on the oust side looking in.

I think the idea of spontaneous combustion burns me up.