Joke Pile #480

Groaner of the Week for the Moms

Many years after the biker chick became a biker mama, she had three rough-and-tumble kids. For Mother's Day each year after they were 18, each got a tattoo to honor her.

The eldest got a tattoo on her shoulder that was a sacred heart with roses and an inscription that read "Mother, rose of my heart." Biker Mama was so pleased!

Next Mother's Day, the second eldest got a tattoo on his back of a lily and a heart. The inscription read "Mother, lily of my life." Biker Mama was overwhelmed with pride!

Finally, the youngest got beautifully calligraphed tattoos of the letter P on both of his kneecaps and no other inscription. 

Biker Mama was very confused. "Son, what does this even mean?" 

The youngest son said, "Well, Mama, I know how much you like flowers, so I asked the tattoo guy to give me tattoos of your favorites--peonies!"

 All Groan Up (Groaners About Aging)

I'm not saying that some rock stars are getting old, but former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth is now known as "Neil 'Diamond'" Dave.

At some point, no matter how well you take care of yourself, you will be ma'am-ed.

There is a point when it's okay for you to stop seeing your kids' play, especially if they are the drama teacher.

I'm getting to the age that I find using a loofah is a form of intimacy.

I don't care how old your mother gets, it is never appropriate to get her embalming fluid for Mother's Day.

At this time of life, people are encouraged to stop and smell the roses, hopefully before they are pushing up daisies.

I say this from experience, if you're a guy of a certain age, don't wear a red vest to the Ace hardware store. Just don't.

Before we met, my wife used to go out and have a ball with guys. Now she stays in and has a bald guy.

When you get older and like to trim trees, it is good to know your limits BEFORE the limb hits!

When I used to sing, my voice was like a finely-tooled instrument; now it sounds more like a kazoo. 

When you are older, to plumb the depths of your soul, usually means having a corn removed from the underside of your foot.

The other day, a young person offered to help me across the street. It was a kind offer, but I was driving my car at the time.

There is an upside to aging in place, and usually, they mark it on the side of the coffin.