Joke Pile #469

This week I am trying out a new segment called Good News/Bad News, but first a couple of groaners...

Groaners of the Week

With the weather as cold as it is, this puts a new meaning to the expression "zero tolerance."

As the bumper on the state highway snowplow says, "There's no business like snow business." 

Good News/Bad News

Good news: I got my wife a box of chocolate for Valentine's Day!

Bad news: It was a box of Nestle's hot chocolate mix. 

Good news: I lost some weight last week!

Bad news: It was from my barbell set and I don't know where it went.

Good news: I got to see the 50th anniversary of SNL show!

Bad news: I also got to see 50 years of commercials.

Good news: I cleared off our neighbor's walk!

Bad news:  Our neighbor wanted his sidewalk back.

Good news: Lots of birds are flocking to our feeders!

Bad news: So are squirrels, deer, and some dude who apparently likes birdseed.

Good news: We used our fireplace for the first time this year!

Bad news: It was because the power went out in the house.

Good news: We bought a space heater!

Bad news: Space is still very, very cold.

Things I Think I Thought

I think it wouldn't be too weird to see a panhandler near a bowling alley with a sign that says, "Need change to spare."

I think people who have stores should be "open" minded.

I think that magistrates who run two miles on a school track are showing 8 laps of judgment.

I think it is not possible to lack all the knowledge you need to be truly ignorant, but some give it their all.

I think the reason that superheroes don't earn more than they do is that they have reached their salary cap(e)s.

I think my optimism just ran off with my pessimism. On the one hand, I really want to wish them well, but on the other, I just feel so negative.

I think it is awesome to get one of those McArthur "genius grants." Me, I'd be happy with a genius loan.

I think it is important to see the good in others, especially if they have it tattooed on their face.

I think I'm ready to write my Hemingway-inspired book about retirement. I'm calling it "Farewell to Alarms."

I think getting rid of the penny makes no cents.