Halloween Groaner of the Week: How do spirits communicate? They broadcast from ghost to ghost.
Halloween Jokes
Nobody "candy nigh" that Halloween and its overabundance of sweet treats is coming soon.
What do Transylvanian teenage vampires like to do for fun late at night? Drac racing.
What's the difference between an insecure actor and a jack o'lantern? One is starved for attention and the other is carved for attention.
Little Jenny and Billy are wearing their homemade costumes. When they stop at their first house, a dad answers the door. Billy and Jenny say together, "Trick or Treat!" The dad says to Jenny, "You're so pretty in your beautiful dress, are you a princess?" Jenny says, "No, I'm the CEO of a very successful start-up company, and I'm against the stereotyping of women based on their appearance." The dad says, "Oh, I see. And you, young man, I see you have a suit on, are you also a businessman?" Billy says, "No, I'm her attorney." Billy and Jenny left with all of the candy.
Why are haunted hospital ERs so busy on Halloween? They are operating on a skeleton crew.
A werewolf walked into a brewpub and asked, "Do you have a Fuzzy Navel?" The bartender said, "No, we just have craft beer." The werewolf pointed at his belly button and said, "Well, I do." and walked out.
A witch and a mummy were comparing notes on Halloween. "You know," the witch said, "kids these days aren't scared of anything." The mummy said, "I know what you mean. Last Halloween, some middle school kids T.P.'d a tree with me. The witch said, "That seems sort of cool, you and the kids T.P.-ing a tree together." The mummy said, "No, they literally used my wrappings to TP a tree. It was bone-chilling."
What alt-rock band hates Halloween? Smashing Pumpkins.
A couple were having a Halloween party, and one of their good friends said, "I see you have presidential campaign signs in your yard, That's pretty brave with the shenanigans that the high school kids pull." The wife said, "I'm not worried about it at all." Their friend said, "Really? We put ours inside so they don't get damaged." The wife replied, "Oh, we do, too. These are our neighbor's signs, and they are pulling for the other side,"
It's News To Me
Anheuser Busch has released special edition cases of Busch Light with likenesses of Donald Trump and Kamala Harris in red and blue cans as part of their "straw pull tab" of voters to see who will win the presidency. Trump's and Harris' camps have asked Anheuser Busch to suspend the campaign. Said a spokesperson for Harris, "We think this vote will be sobering for all of us and ask Anheuser Busch to respect the real vote on November 5th and not make light (beer) of it." A spokesperson for Trump said, "As you know, Mr. Trump does not drink alcohol, so we ask that the Busch Light campaign be suspended until after his election and/or the next civil war."
For the first time since the pandemic, college enrollment for first-year students has declined. Caitlin Clark has taken full responsibility for the decline. "I get it, and it is what it is," said Clark. "College is a time when today's students want a once-in-a-lifetime talent to be playing on their team." The WNBA is now in talks with several colleges for potential mergers.
Benoit Stern, a 93-year-old bicyclist, is removing the training wheels first installed by his father when he was a 6-years-old. "I thought it was about time," said Stern, "Plus, the bike frame has seemed really small to me for the last 81 years or so. I am not as limber as I used to be."
A breed of Mexican fruit bats have developed glow-in-the-dark fur on their feet. Scientists studying the phenomenon believe that the bats evolved this unique feature for bat raves and bachelorette parties.
It is widely reported that approximately 11 million immigrants would be deported by the Trump administration if he wins the election. "That's okay," said the governors of American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, the American Virgin Islands, and the Northern Mariana Islands, "we'd be glad to accept them in exchange for statehood."
Votes for Ottumwa's "Most Influential Business Person" have been tabulated, and "Jimmy, the guy under the Madison St. bridge who sells homemade Ozempic and other prescription stuff," was the unanimous choice of local voters. Jimmy thanked the voters and has recently left town, likely due to an arrest warrant.
Elon Musk's Space X landed a self-guided booster rocket back in its launching station, which instantly incinerated a Tesla truck also charging at the same station. "We still have a few bugs to work out," declared Musk.
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