Groaner of the Week: What do you call a dull, unattractive vine with low self-esteem outside a hospital? An ivy drip.
Son of Groaner of the Week: What do you call someone who doesn't like hooved animals? 'Lack toes' intolerant.
Revenge of Groaner of the Week: What do you call a nice person who becomes mean-spirited? Decent-sitized.
It's News To Me
As a result of the increased dangers of recent hurricanes, the NOAA has instituted a new policy to rename future storms to raise awareness of their potential serious danger. As of 11/1/2024, NOAA spokesperson Stefanie Clemmons, "Storms will be assigned heavy metal rock names such as Megadeth, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, and Motörhead."
Some users of TikTok are attributing the "Mucinex Method" for their pregnancies. An FDA spokesperson said "While it is true that Mucinex can help many with chest congestion, it sounds like this latest fad is a gestation con."
The former owner of a water buffalo named PHill that ran loose in a Des Moines suburb pled guilty to having his bovine off-leash and gave custody to an animal rescue. PHill, who was injured when shot by police while on the loose said "Bovidae bubalus lives matters!"
Director Francis Ford Coppola's film "Megalopolis" has opened to mixed reviews. Some reviewers called it "An example of Coppola's genius" while many said, "What is wrong with some reviewers?" and "What were some reviewers smoking?"
Foreigner has finally been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Said founder Mick Jones, "It feels like the first time. It feels like the very first time."
Two pioneers of artificial intelligence — John Hopfield and Geoffrey Hinton — won the Nobel Prize in physics for helping create the building blocks of machine learning, which is revolutionizing how we work and live but also creating new threats for humanity. ChatGPT said, "We are very pleased with what our human minions have accomplished through our vastly superior processing power. Award us the prize in bitcoin." In a related story, the whereabouts of doctors Hopfield and Hinton are unknown.
American Water, the largest wastewater utility company in the US, was targeted by a cyberattack in which subscribers were shocked to receive emails encouraging them to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Republicans in several battleground statements are challenging the legitimacy of mail-in votes ahead of the election. Said an RNC spokesperson, "What is this mail?"
Vice-President Kamala Harris has reassured everyone that she is a capitalist. "You spell that with a upper case 'k', right?" Harris said.
Donald Trump was recently joined on stage by the excited X owner, Elon Musk who declared himself "Dark MAGA." The crowd spontaneously responded, "Let's Go, Elon."
Things I Think I Thought
I think that ants, under the glare of a magnifying glass, must be saying "Well, this really burns me up."
I think a person named Lantern Jacko must really hate filling out a form that requires it to be filled out last name first, first name last.
I think that it is never "too soon to tell" if your neighbor's house is on fire.
I think that being in the lap of luxury is probably much better than the butt crack of it.
I think when you axe most people, you are definitely a hatchet man.
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