Joke Pile #448

The very pale Jim Gaffigan wished me a happy birthday via text last week--I feel almost special.

Groaner of the Week: What's the difference between Caitlin Clark's team and a knitter's primary action? One performs at a Fever pitch, and the other performs at a weaver's stitch.

Back-to-School Groaner: Jimmy came home from school and asked his mom what 'degrade' meant. His mom replied, "It refers to reducing or putting down someone or something." Jimmy said mournfully, "Well, I do feel reduced and put down, I got a D grade on my vocabulary test."

Things I think I Thought

I think the chirpy birds at our feeders are carrying on more than a family with small children flying to Disney World.

I think hummingbirds would be a lot more appreciated if they carried Q-tips in their beaks and swabbed your ears when they flew by.

I think broccolini is just broccoli without a good haircut, and a bean is a good haricot.

I think I could care less if I cared less.

I think the reason Rome wasn't built in a day was mission creep.

I think any problem can be solved if 1) it isn't complicated, 2) people actually want to solve it, 3) it was really a problem in the first place. 

I think horses outfitted with golden panniers are saddled with gilt.

I think the a, e, i, o, and u's of the English language have so many pronunciation anomalies that it gives me irritable vowel syndrome.

I think when the "end of time is nigh", we will ignore it because we've seen the signs before.

I think I live with a curse or words to that effect.

I think that impacted wisdom teeth are overrated. I have had several removed, and my wisdom hasn't been impacted at all.

I think it would be funny if thread said to a needle, "Don't mind me, I'm just passing through."

I think a tavern with a hole in the roof during a downpour might feel right at home in Bahrain.