Joke Pile #441

If you snooze it's news. 

Caitlin Clark recorded her historic first triple-double in the WBNA this weekend which means she had more rebounds, assists, and points in one game than many of the non-player fans hating on her have ever had in their lifetimes. 

In hurricane news: Gun-toting Texans woke up today staring down a loaded Beryl. 

Joey Chestnut couldn't participate in Nathan's annual hotdog eating contest. "Frankly, I don't care," said Chestnut.

Several thousand mollusks washed up on an east coast beach in what local officials are calling a clam-ity.

Swimmers in Texas were bitten by sharks. When reached for comment, the sharks said the swimmers tasted a lot like chicken.

Joe Biden declared that he would not drop out of the presidential race unless "the Lord Almighty came down and said 'Joe get out of the race.'" Morgan Freeman could not be reached for comment.

Donald Trump said that he would be able to stop the war between Russia and Ukraine on day one of his presidency. When asked how, he said "by declaring the unilateral surrender of the United States to Russia."

Just as Paris is set to host the 2024 Summer Olympics, French voters have decided to make their government as dysfunctional as the leading projected gold medal country--the USA. 

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs lone representative at the All-Star game by 30-year-old MLB sensation Shota Imanaga. Imanaga also was the lone Cubs representative to be named to the sushi bar list at Harry Carey's Steakhouse.

Ringo Starr celebrated his 84th birthday on July 7th. In addition to offering his traditional wishes of "peace and love", Ringo announced an independent bid for the US presidency promising to reunite with the UK if King Charles was willing to "give up the gig." 

In Taylor Swift news, Swift has announced that she has no intentions of marrying Travis Kelce until he can either equal her gold and platinum record sales or he can properly shake that money maker.  

Americans purchased upwards of 270 million pounds of fireworks in 2023. While data is not available for 2024, it is estimated that 300 million Americans complained on the website Nextdoor about how late the fireworks were used.

Lastly, in pet news: A toothless Pekingnese named "Wild Thang" won the "world's Ugliest Dog" contest. This was not the first time Wild Thang had been in the contest, (he had competed five times and was the runner-up in 2023) but was the first time that its owner resorted to killing off the competition.