Joke Pile #443

Absolutely Fake News

American athletes are competing in 32 Olympic categories in Paris including skateboarding, breakdancing, and, the latest sport, TikToking.

1.85 million Tesla model cars are being recalled due to faulty car hood latches.  This proves that founder Elon Musk is not the only thing coming unhinged at Tesla.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, seen here with the Olympic torch, was arrested when he thought the torch was a huge doobie and smoked it in public.

Vice-Presidential candidate JD Vance has reportedly learned his lesson from the backlash he's received by calling women without children "childless cat ladies". He now refers to married women with children as "My sister-wives."

Doug Emhoff, Second Gentleman of current VP Kamala Harris is reportedly happy that she is going to be the presidential candidate for the Democrats. "When she wins," Emhoff has confided, "I can finally get an upgrade to First Gentleman."

"Deadpool and Wolverine" opened with the largest opening weekend for an R-rated movie and the 8th highest gross of all time. "Deadpool, Wolverine, and Barbie" is reportedly in production for the summer of 2025.

Wildfires in the west have led to reports of the "warm smell of colitas rising up through the air" in the area of the Hotel California.

The Biden administration is now targeting US chemical plants producing nitrous oxide gas as part of global reduction of greenhouse gases. Said a spokesperson for the trade association Fran Ventosity, "Nitrous oxide may be known as "laughing gas", but it is no laughing matter for the hard-working--hee-hee--Americans--hah hah, who--whew, let me catch my breath--produce it."

Major League Baseball has just announced an extension of the trade deadline until the end of the World Series. Baseball Commissioner, Rob Manfred, said, "Anything to put more butts in the seats. Amirite, fellas?"

NBC has announced a new reality game show that will feature contestants who will be throwing cuts of beef at news celebrities. It is going to be called "Meat The Press"

Delta Airlines is offering air passes to customers who were grounded on July 19th. "Passes will be good for any flight on any Boeing aircraft with relatively-functioning cabin doors in our fleet," said CEO Ed Bastian.

The latest new business venture specializes in hairstyling for dogs and is called "Cocker Poodle Do".

Megan Thee Stallion, spokesperson for Amazon, just announced that she is well past her Prime.

Organizers of the summer games in Paris were surprised when a cowled and masked man was seen running over rooftops during the opening ceremony. Said Olympic spokesperson Anne Deschamps, "In retrospect, we probably should not have had the US Secret Service provide security for us."