Joke Pile #419

 

Weekend Edition: The Week That Was

This week, The University of Iowa held its annual Tuba Christmas under unseasonably warm conditions. Unlike in past years, no tuba players' lips suffered mouthpiece frostbite.

This week, Congress passed the buck for another week. It is a good thing that Congress doesn't get paid by the piece like a lot of workers do.

This week, UI's Caitlin Clark broke the 3,000 point mark and crushed ISU fans' souls in Ames.

This week, Republican's held a debate on NewsMax. I wonder if the moderators asked their questions using tablets, also known as NewsMaxiPads?

This, Hanukkah began. Hanukkah, the holiday that my non-Jewish fans call "a normal work week."

This week, an Indianapolis man left $13 million to multiple charities. His 3 children who received no inheritance are quoted as saying, "Thanks a lot, Dad." 

This week, Shohei Ohtani joined the L.A. Dodgers on reported 10-year, $700M deal. Through a translator, Ohtani thanked the Angels organization and said, "I would have stayed but I needed a raise to offset the drive to and from work. That 405 is a killer, especially now that the express lane tolls are going into effect." 

This week, presidents of leading private colleges testified in front of Congress and failed the oral exams.

This week, a man fighting at a hockey game was knocked unconscious. Not by the guy he was fighting but by a woman who was "tired of all the foolishness" shovedd him into the glass of the hockey rink. 

This week, Taylor Swift was named Time magazine's Person of the Year. One of Swift's fans tweeted, "What's a magazine?"

This week, Democrat Rep. Jamaal Bowman was censured for admitting to accidentally pulling a fire alarm in the House in September. during a key vote.  Former Rep. George Santos, who was expelled the previous week said, "Where's the justice. All I did was lie, cheat, and steal?"

This week, TV producer Norman Lear, actor Ryan O'Neal, and soul singer Jean Knight passed away at ages, 101, 82, and 80 respectively. The White House expressed sadness at their passing, "The president offers his condolences to the families: "It is very sad when talented people are cut down in the prime of life."

This week, state parks in Iowa offered a discount to stay in campgrounds and cabins. Said a DNR spokesperson, "We know that a great camping experience can happen anytime, but we do ask that guests avoid swimming in the lake. Not just because of hypothermia, but let's be honest, water quality doesn't improve in the wintertime."

This week, retailers are cautiously optimistic that this holiday season will be better than last year's. Melvin Schurr who owns a small boutique in Ottumwa said, "Last year, at this time, we were struggling to keep the doors open. But this year, with our 'Going Out of Business' sale, we are already doubling those figures." 

Finally this week, the SEU settled their strike with North Pole toys giant Santa Claus. Santa's Elves Union representative Ernie Elf said, "We talked, we walked, and Santa balked! I also want to thank the Reindeer Workers for not crossing our picket lines. We look forward to another great holiday season and for bringing joy to all the girls and boys!"