Joke #210

T'was the Dysfunctional Couple Night Before Christmas ( The 1st Draft)

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring not even my spouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, 

While I stood around in my wife's underwear;

The children were all nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their stoned little heads.

And "mamma" in my nightie, also in my cups,

Drunkenly wondered  "why hadn't we gotten a pre-nup"?

Then out on the internet there arose such a chatter,

I sprang to the keyboard to declare  "Reindeer Lives Matter".

Away to the chat, I flew like a flash,

Ripped on some trolls and talked some trash.

But the goon in a meme was a beast, he had his own Fox show

Polishing turds to treat his subjects who were so slow.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a bunch of retweets, and eight replies saying "kiss my rear",

But a little old follower, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be "St. Nick".

More rapid than eagles his comments they came,

And he got in their grills and called everybody names;

“Now, D#$#%t! Now, F#@%er! Now, Pr%$k and S!@#head!

On, C%$t! On St%&*d! On, Don#$&*face and M#$%&*$dead!

To the top of the trending! to the top of the paywall!

Now f#$k off!  F#$k off! F#4k off  all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane cake,

Trolls fade when they meet an obstacle, like a bunch of snowflakes,

So up to the trending topics, they soared

With the thread full of trolls, and "St. Nick", of course.

And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife glaring

Followed by punching and pawing, her way of caring.

 I drew in my hand and was turning around,

Then she knocked me cold, I didn't hear a sound.

She let me have it, from head to foot,

And my clothes were all messed up, I looked like Groot;

A bundle of tears she flung from her eyes,

"Why can't you be normal, you know, like other guys.

Her eyes-how they darkened! her look how scary!

Her cheeks were like fires, her nose military!

Her drooling little mouth was snarling with rage

And the trembling of her chin was hard to gage

The part of my face she held in her teeth,

Had me begging for mercy, hoping she'd release

But, no to make things worse she kicked me below my belly,

I was shook when she laughed, her breath was so smelly.

She was creepier than the elf on the shelf

And I feared for my life (actually, I  peed myself);

A squint of her eye and a 360-twist of her head,

Soon gave me to know I might be better off dead;

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,

And pulled out all my nails; and called me  a jerk,

And laying her finger aside of my nose,

Said "never wear my stockings or run my hose";

She sprang to her feet, and gave me a shrill whistle,

And away she flew like an ICBM missile.

But I heard her exclaim, as she drove down the driveway,

"Screw you, you tell the kids where I am on Christmas Day".